when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
