so explain again why im purple
no
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
