Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize