i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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