Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
