my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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