There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
