Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
