Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
