his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i believe in u and ur pee
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
