so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Randomize
