I showed him my bush... on skype.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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