My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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