I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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