I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
