i just wanna soil my oats bro
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
