My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
