im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
