That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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