he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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