apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
