The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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