I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
