TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
