so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
