he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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