trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
