Your face is a jimmy john
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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