Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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