Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
