I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
