the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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