You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
