Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
