Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
