well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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