We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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