all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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