my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
