My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
