I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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