My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
