Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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