You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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