The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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