Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
