I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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