watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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