I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
