The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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