Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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