My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
