we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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