Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
