bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
