wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
