New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Randomize
