I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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