Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
