ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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