just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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