dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
